Dave McPherson
"The World's Biggest"

Stood here minding my own business, good company and a quality pint of Guinness
When suddenly, here comes a stranger with an opinion or two
He does not understand the danger of the proverbial ice that he sways on
But effortlessly, he encapsulates all that's annoying
I'm talking to a titanic dick
Oh, how I'd love to kick into a song that would make him sick
A chorus that could fool him into thinking that this song's about no-one in particular
But it is
I hope he's not here 'cause he's a dick
A self-obsessed, non-fictitious dick

So, about the time I bumped into him at the bar, he rudely discussed my family and blah, blah, blah
He told me I should get a real job, I wondered what that was
Nine to five until you die
I also pondered what on earth his name was, I recognised his sly, bulbous features
I asked the drunken preacher his name, quick, while sipping on my hard-earned drink
And he revealed he was a complete and utter dick, it sounds harsh but he was a dick
The world's biggest royal dick
I feel sorry for his missus, it probably pisses her off that she kisses that thing daily
Can't emphasise enough
The guy is an absolute dick like a magician without the magic tricks

The third verse won't try to be cryptic, no metaphors or quaint hieroglyphics
That way I may just accentuate how much you're not my mate
But I guess it'll just have to wait 'cause I can't find the words
Like the dodos couldn't find the rest of the birds
I know that this sounds absurd but rest assured, you will not be leaving empty-handed
Now here's your award

Congratulations, you're the world's biggest
Congratulations, you're the world's biggest
Congratulations, you're the world's biggest
Congratulations, you're the world's biggest dick